DEPRESSION…THE CONSTANT ACHE!!
Depression is not feeling down for an hour out of your day. It’s not something to be glorified. It’s not beautiful.
Depression is being on the brink of tears because you dropped your glass of water but is followed by not having the urge to clean up the mess but rather you fall on the floor and cry.
Depression is one extreme to another, you’re either so high with happiness or so down that you doubt the world will have color again. It is a hard path to swallow, not quite sure when the whirlwind will change and hell will hit the internal despair again!
Depression and panic attacks can hit you at work, in your car, at a birthday party, shopping centre, or even at a club. No judgement from depression, it pops up anywhere!
Some days are good, great in fact, and you almost feel like you’re better. Then something small, a look from someone or a memory, can turn you into a mess. It can make me feel insane, as much as those around me..
People will ask why are you crying? What’s wrong? And the only answer you can give is ‘I don’t know but it’s nothing new’…
There will be days where you roll out of bed and you’ll have black under your eyes from yesterday’s mascara. It’s there because you didn’t have the energy to take your makeup off the night before.
Everyone will tell you that it will get better… but i find i dream of when that will be. Some days I swear I can feel the sun radiating happiness through my body, and then other days I feel nothing and everything all at once. Depression is not easy nor is it a quick fix.
Loving someone with depression is even harder. I swear I’ll get better, if not for myself but for my partner. But, when things seem too hard all I can think is they’d be better off without me. I’d rather break my own heart than keep hurting them.
When you live with depression and complement your partner, you break a little each time. You break because you can’t look at yourself without thinking of everything you want to change about yourself, how much my depression may hurt my love, how i cant handle hurting him, as much as me. It is a fragile existence living with me, and i pray for love to prevail everyday …
Depression doesn’t just hit the ‘kids with bad upbringings’. You can have a very privileged background with parents who love you unconditionally, parents who give you anything and everything you could want. But some bad things can happen, as they did to me, as they do for all of us, planting seeds for us to carry through our life. Triggers are formed and the glass road is created, wherein every fragile step is warily taken in the hopes of not to shatter the inner resilience.
Your friends and family encourage you to talk to them when you’re having an episode. But how can you do that when it’s 3 am in the morning?
Depression is not fun, it’s not a game, and it’s not a quirk to add to your personality because you think it’s cool. Depression is serious and ugly and affects so many people. Depression doesn’t just disappear, you don’t suddenly wake up and decide not to feel hopeless.
But remember, as i do, it is okay, not to be okay. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be weak. We are not bulletproof, we are human. We are capable of getting hurt, of feeling the emptiness. But we can figure it out…believe…
So savour each tear. Grieve. Cry your heart out and ruin your mascara. Stop pretending. Unmask yourself. Breakdown if you are tired. Break. Fall apart and then come back together again.
I believe in me. I believe in you. We can all believe in each other, finding that our strength, both internal and external can be the glue that keeps us together and bonded …