FIGHT THE UGLY FIGHT!
I hate fights.
I hate fighting with other people.
I hate tension.
I hate feeling that energetic distance between myself and the one I have fought with.
It makes me feel so sad and lonely.
My heart feels like all the strings have been pulled off of a violin or it feels like that horrible sound when you step on a cat’s tail… and it feels so uncomfortable…
But I mean, let’s face it, we are all faced with power struggles with ones we love at times, and remembering that it takes 2 sides to fight, 2 sides to start the fireworks, 2 voices to continue a feud, acknowledging this can sometimes be even more heartbreaking, yet can help us work out why the fight happened in the first place.
What was my role in this fight? Why was I so stuck on being right? Was it really worth it when the result ended in both of us walking away sad and unhappy in heart, body, mind and spirit??
Recently my beautiful lover and I rubbed each other up the wrong way, I saw buttons being pressed and egos taking over, and my oh my did it create a big roar between us, hair standing on edge and claws out kinda thing…
It became such a whirlwind of energy between us, neither of us could really hear what eachother were saying.
Was it me? Was it him? Something in between??
A few realizations have come to me in reflection, as I sit here licking my ego’s wounds and nursing my heart. And I hope that by sharing this it may help you too in troubling times when the fangs show and hissing remarks begin to pour out…
1)What is my role in this fight?
We have to own that in reality it does take 2 people to fight. Ask yourself what is my role, my part. How am I showing up? Am I the antagonist? Am I playing the victim? Am I truly being my authentic self with how I wish to be perceived and heard in this argument? BE HONEST!
2)How am I reacting?
A reaction is in response to an action. Is my RE-action appropriate? Does it truly and honestly express what I am trying to communicate in a loving way?
3)Would what I am saying hurt if someone said it to me?
If someone else said the same things to me that I am saying, and HOW they are being said, would i be hurt? Would I hear them over all the shouting?? Would I find it damaging? If you answered YES to any of those, then reconsider your approach to how you communicate your desired outcome, remembering to come from a place of love.
4)How important is this for me?
Do you really need to hold strong to investing into this fight? Is it really important? If it is, then talk gently and with love in your heart as you try to commit to communicating your struggle with boundaries still intact with your loved one. If it is not, bite your ego and put the tiff to rest. It is not worth it just for the sake of stroking your own ego. BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF!
5)Is it better to create a space between you and your loved one, and come back to it later?
If you find yourself repeating the same thing more than 3 times, walk away. Try to place a loving distance between you and the one you love and call for a healthy time out. Make sure they know it is coming from a place of love and care, but affirm that being caught in a loop where one feels more unheard each round could create room for the fight to continue into an out of control situation.
Remember that the impulse to fight back generally comes from your own wounded ego, where there is some deeper work for you to explore within what the experience at hand has triggered.
Coming from a place of peace and calm from within does not mean we dismiss our truth, boundaries, beliefs or perspectives. It just means that YOU are strong enough to uphold the beliefs of your own truth and that there is nothing to prove, which results in a calm talk, rather than verbal hitting sticks. Something which I am still learning, and just beginning to practice.
The more tools we have to help us in a battle of the ego and other things, the better. It is just a matter of getting the tool bag out in time before the old patterns of wounded behavior turn up and rear their ugly and damaging head, hurting the ones we love the most.
Peace was made with my love, thank goodness love prevails…
Work in progress
Love and light