I’ve always been relatively honest.
In my past I have told some white lies as we all do, a few biggies to protect people (and myself!), which always landed me into more trouble than they were worth. But since I became a radical drug addict, particularly in the last and past 7 years of my addiction, proudly ending almost 2 years ago now, I made a promise with myself that I wouldn’t lie about anything, except that I was an addict.
I wouldn’t cheat or steal or misbehave, or it would mean I was an addict and this is something I was refusing to admit I was, for if I did fall into this category, I would have to stop doing my drugs.
I made an agreement with myself that I would not allow myself to be titled as an addict, with the stigma and all the judgements that came with it. So I became 100% authentic, hard working, and truthful to a fault, and now, I carry this authenticity proudly into my sobriety.
I tell it how it is, how I am, how my life twirls up and down, warts and all, love it, hate it or dont give a shit, that’s ok, so long as I leave no room for question, doubt or wonder. What you see, feel, hear and get is 100 % true blue, the down and dirty truth…
I carry this in high regard.
Until moments like these.
I honestly feel like shit! After my accident last week, i have gotten the fuck its.
Like FUCK LIFE kinda thing…
I have been drinking.
I have continuously felt like picking up the needle and drugs.
I have had suicidal thoughts.
I haven’t committed to my commitments 100%.
I have stopped some all together.
I have slept and wept and drank some more.
I have been extremely angry, I mean how the fuck am I meant to road trip without a fucking car?
Sounds like a spoiled little bitch yeah?
I mean I am lucky to have my life….
But now, alive, I sit here in a miserable bucket of self loathing…
Woah is me hey!!??? Pity the fool!!!??
Misery loves company….etc etc etc….
SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
This crazy spiral feels unworthy of what and who I represent.
I feel like i have taken a wild 100 steps back into the abyss of who i was before my attempted suicide.
Why am I talking??
I really don’t know why…
I guess because I have been absent, and I need to speak my truth.
Things are not all roses and sugary within myself.
Things feel horrible right now, when they really are, from the outside, pretty fucking grand, and I hate that.
I hate myself for feeling like a fraud in my recovery.
Have I cheated myself?
Have I lied to myself?
Have I played a fool with myself?
How is that possible if all I have been is honest???
If i have been honest how come i feel like a fucking liar with who i am??
Blame it on my accident, the Full moon, holidays, no car, being premenopausal and wildly hormonal, being an empath, being a pisces, being a woman, being too honest for my own fucking good!!
Yes!! I WILL blame it on all of it, because that IS my truth.
All of these elements play a wild part of who I am.
I am affected daily by the tides, by the Universe, by people, by my hormones, and always by my highly emotional self, because THIS IS WHO I AM!!!
As I sit in my wallow and tears and self loathing, I see my honesty, as much as it confuses and disturbs me, leaves me no room for failure, only growth and a deeper understanding and gratitude for my wild and crazy self.
I was told by Darcy Marta to just let it be. Don’t question, don’t label, just observe and accept this as it is, for (here we go) “this too shall pass”…
And too fucking right, that is 100% TRUE!!
Right now i am praying for this to fucking hurry up!
But also, this time, right now, I can observe and grow older and wiser and more experienced with who I am. With who i will always be and who i am becoming!!
I know it is true, I have survived this before god damn it. This will pass, I will survive and life will move on.
We are all on this wild ride called LIFE, and it is all about how we deal with the hurdles, the rollercoasters, the ups, the down and everything in between.
THIS is what it is about, yeah??
As I am sober, relatively, in comparison to how I used to be, all this is new… Well, it still feels new to me, because I used to always go and inject my arms and run away when things, my head , my emotions got so out of control, I felt like i couldn’t keep going.
The chaos in my head is so loud right now that yes, I have withdrawn.
BUT I am alive, I am feeling and I am sober…
That my friends is a miracle, and MY amazing fucking truth!!
Keep the faith
We got this
Honesty is the best …
Love and light