I FELL INTO A SOCIAL MEDIA BLACK HOLE!!
I FELL INTO A SOCIAL MEDIA BLACK HOLE!!!
Just hear me out before you go saying it due to my own insecurities. Yes I know it is! I am aware of this, but this doesn’t make it any less serious, and I believe it needs to be voiced, so someone out there cannot feel alone in this social media battle of why they feel like they are less than the next person!
The beauty about this experience is it did wake me up to some serious work I still need to do on my insecurities and feelings of unworthiness. This is why I have taken a pause in a lot of things I do online and decided to take a journey back to self…but the next part of what i write is how i got here.
Now I am a 49-year-old woman, and it is quite embarrassing to admit this journey and hoe I fell into social media depression, but I feel it happens to more of us than like to admit… especially for the youth of today, geez I can only imagine!!!
It’s been a 3-and-a-half-year journey for the doom of social media to take its effect on my psyche.
Year One: I was completely in alignment and did all I did for the joy, love, connection and desire to move forward in my mission to help others heal. It was great, it was effortless, it was all in alignment. I never even noticed nor worried if my posts were read, seen or liked by family, friends and strangers. This is what it should always be about, I think.
Year Two: I was still in the flow, but started to connect more with people of like minds and thus started to see my posts were getting noticed. I still wasn’t really concerned about how many people liked my posts, but it was definitely a joy and definitely and ego boost seeing my efforts were paying off, people were enjoying the healing messages I was getting out there. Yes! How wonderful, I was fulfilling my mission to raise awareness, and it felt great.
Year Three: My social circle grows bigger still, and I get to connect with others and respond to their posts in support of their own journey and simply as a support as a friend. But I started to notice some folks posting the same sort of things as me, and getting numerous acknowledgements from the same folks we all knew, but I was not. It didn’t affect me at first, constantly reminding myself why I was doing this was not to be recognized but to help someone in a moment who was feeling lost out there. But I still couldn’t help ask the question: why? Why does everyone else share likes and hearts between each other, but not with me… Here we welcome in: The Wounded Ego !!
This wasn’t so hard to deal with yet, as I kept reminding myself that this is not the reason, I was doing what I was doing. But the ego’s uncomfort kept growing and growing and growing…
The last 6 months: MY EGO HAS TAKEN OVER AND I AM NOT IN THE FLOW!
In my ego’s voice: “I see my subscribers after 3.5 year on YouTube are only 63 people!!?? Why haven’t any of my friends or colleagues subscribed just to support me? I mean after all it is free??? (I grow upset) I see on Facebook I continue to support my fellow friends and colleagues, but those same people generally never support me with an acknowledgment, a thank you, a thumbs up… what is wrong with ME?? why am i feeling like i am being ignored or just not good enough, definitely I must be less than the other person (I fight back tears and frustration) . I am noticing on other platforms there is so much support for those i walk with hand in hand, yet I do not receive any support, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME!!??? (Remember this is my insecure ego talking, not my truth!)
HALT!!!!! STOP HERE!!
All wrong, I see it, I am old enough and wise enough to unveil the steps that threw me into a depression. I understand my ego, my little girl, my insecurities all took over and I had become completely unaligned with my mission, my purpose and ultimately, myself! My labor of love had become a hard effort filled with seeking out others’ approval! Not at all what I had begun this journey for. Not at all who I am and so sad it had got to this point.
But I am fortunate to be able to take pause and set myself straight and breathe into reminding myself I am worthy; I am not less than and stop and ask myself “why it had become so important to be liked by others”. I mean I am a woman and I have overcome so much more than this to bring me into a depression, to seek out others approval etc. etc. Who cares?? Apparently, a part of my unhealed self-did!! But I refuse to let this social media tool crush my spirit, destroy my self worth and make me feel like I am not pretty enough, smart enough, special enough!! etc. etc…
So, I now take pause. But I feel for those who don’t have my awareness, who fall deep into a black hole of comparison and judgement. It is real and it hurts. And the worst thing is, no one even knows the effect they have on somebody by responding or not responding? Right!? They may not even see your posts, right?? It is a big mess… and so unfair on so many levels for everyone involved!
So please take care on these platforms to not judge yourself or compare yourself to the next person. They may, after all, not even be receiving your feed due to the powers in control on these platforms. You are still amazing and will always be, Facebook or no Facebook. YouTube or no YouTube. Instagram or no Instagram. YOU ARE FUCKING FABULOUS!
If you need a social media break, take one, reboot yourself and realign with your true incredible self! If you know anyone who is suffering from what I went through, tell them to read this, they are not alone, but they can get out of it and what they feel is completely invalid!! It is not the truth of who they are. They are, we are all worthy and special in our own way.
So off I go now to do some personal growth on my inner worthiness!!! After all, I am 49 and this has been a true blow to my growth and my mission. But we live and we learn, no lesson goes unlearned so as to step into an even better version of myself yet!!
Take care out there!!
Love and light…
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