MAKING THE WORST LEMONS INTO LEMONADE!!
So i fucked up last night and got obliterated. Like, nasty drunk on vodka. Nearly drunk a whole quart!!
What the?? Why??
Aside from poisoning my poor body and damaging my beautiful cells, my behavior was shameful, embarrassing and to say the least, I did not like myself at all this morning!!
It was the New Moon in Aries and our first solar eclipse and it was a time all about self awareness and healing. I had a pretty chill day thinking that I wasn’t really affected, until this happened!!
I don’t know what possessed me, but it felt like I kinda was possessed. As I drank, I felt my devil come to the surface. The devil that had kept me safe all those years in my dark marriage. The devil who protected me during my drug addiction. The devil that only knew abuse and needles and pain.
She came to visit and it was horrible. I will spare you the details, but I was most definitely unkind verbally to someone I love, the most precious person in my life and totally undeserved of being on the receiving end of my devil within!!
I awoke half way through the night and woke up my love crying in shame and guilt for my behavior. Begging for his forgiveness and quickly owning up to the awareness of my mistake. I am blessed as he forgave me and we held each other long and lovingly. I will say it again. I AM BLESSED. No one should EVER put up with someone being rude or unkind to them, EVER. But he forgives me and we have moved on.
In comes the healing?? Well, I had hoped. And yes it did, it came with the greatest learning lesson i have had in a while on my journey, thanks to #breathwork and Tiina Gaasedelen creating a safe space to explore, “what the fuck had happened to me?”
Timely was my #breathwork session, so I used this to face what I had done and try to understand it.
As I breathed into this, I was made aware that this was the devil who I was in my demise at the end years of my marriage and the peak of my drug addiction, and all she knew was pain abuse and anger, for years this is who had to show up to protect me from the storm i was in. She is guarded, mean and angry! A powerful force, a huge energy, that I am even a little scared of today. But she had to be this to survive the hell she was in.
Why had she shown up?? Because I had not actually sat in healing with her. I have spent the last 3 years healing from my suicide attempt. But now I guess spirit knows I am ready, I am ready to start to deal with all the years I was detached and in my drug oblivion hurting myself daily, multiple times with needles, staying in a marriage that was dark and painful, working to the point of almost having a heart attack… I am ready to step into this healing with this wounded self, and help her transform her beast of an energy into something productive and magical. Re Educate her and show her it is okay now, and that if she comes with me now, we can help heal the world with our own #Breathwork and counsel. I could use her help, as her energy is fierce, both in a good and bad way, but I want to collaborate with her and use it for only good. I want to heal her wounded, broken, hurt and damaged heart in a way that she will come and let her guard down and know she is safe to let the trauma go and step into her power.
I cannot step into the amazing healer I want to be if I don’t connect to the whole of me right?
I needed this epic fuck up, to be able to step into compassion for this wounded soul, so we can come together, finally. Bringing all of the pieces of me together who survived this painful and damaged existence to truly be the warrior healer I am meant to be!!
So, YYEEHHHHHAAA to my fuckup. Thank you New Moon and Solar eclipse energy, what a massive life changing event this truly was. Now I release my shame and guilt and rather hold compassion and gentle understanding for this learning curve!!
Open your hearts, and minds, and eyes people, there is something we can learn about ourselves every day to help us continue to step into our divine power, our authentic and best self.
Be kind to yourself when you fuck up and ask yourself, “What can i learn from this, what can i take away so i can never do this again, but also rise up into the best version of myself yet?”
(I love you Chris Winckler, thank you for your love!)
Love and light
#healing #healingjourney #believeinyourself #courage #courageous #thetimeisnow #breathworkhealing #breatheinbreatheout #breathwork #breathe #compassion #breatheintolove #authentic
