MOMENTS OF DESPAIR

As I travel I am confronted continuously with my battle for feeling secure. Constantly having to remind myself, my home is where I am, my heart is where I take it and my security lies within, but some days, well some days simply suck!!

Maybe today my downward spiral is exacerbated because I have been honoring my Ceremonial preparation, diet and lifestyle are all light and pure and simple, but I know my recent location change in the last 24 hours has sparked me into a twirl of triggers so severe, I can barely remember why I chose to be on the road.

I used to live for the sounds of the City.

Loud noises, horns blaring, traffic, car screeches and human hollars. This all used to remind me I was alive, as I walked though life in my severe drug phased stupor.

But I am witnessing today that all this does for me now is create massive triggers!!

Trigger me to want to do drugs, trigger me to my nightmare in CA, trigger me to flashbacks of my own suicide attempt, trigger my thoughts that all people were out to hurt me. Trigger, trigger fucking triggers…. aggghhhh!!!. It’s uncomfortable.

The chaos and clatter from my environment is overwhelming, I can’t think straight, breathe properly or make sense of my own mind.

And with these triggers too, I am noticing my wall is down, so what do you think I am inviting in?? Yup, people who don’t care, obscene noises and traffic that is ugly and disturbing. HA!! go figure…

*Note Jemima: remember The Universe gives us what it think we are asking for…

All of these current things, in my current moment, will pass, but right now, in this very moment, it brings me to a place of feeling like a failure.

I feel like a fraud in my own healing, all because I chose to land in a place which I knew wasn’t really calling me, but came because my lover was here, and I thought love would override the reality of my location…ah, apparently I am mistaken.

I didn’t really listen to my intuition, and I am paying the price.

My tiggers are so raw and so in the “now” that I feel I have made no progress whatsoever with my healing, which I know is not so, but it sure as hell doesn’t feel like it!!

Coming from residing in a serene place with waterfalls and trees and lakes and calm, into chaos with trucks and engines and heavy tools, has made clear to me how far i have actually come in my healing, as i for sure as hell know i am alive and these heavy duty industrial influences make me revert back to my damaged and wounded past, rather than give me life…

I am fortunate enough to be able to choose where I want to be, and having travelled far and wide to know what sort of environments exist in this world, I mean some people never get that chance at all, so I will embrace this gift of awareness, and try not to sound like a spoiled brat, as i work my way out of my speedy emotional fall downward.

I walk today in sadness feeling raw with all my triggers, and that’s okay.

I know I don’t belong here, for my sanity and wellbeing, and that’s okay.

I know I need to have mother nature’s beauty and strength surrounding me as I continue to heal my wounds from my bleak past, and that is more than ok…

So, soldier on we do, don’t we?? another one bites the dust per se??

Stay true to your intuition, it will tell you where you need to be and what is best for you…

Honor your pain and your joy, it is what makes us whole beings.

Love and light and see you after Ceremony.

#mentalhealth #depressionawareness #mentalhealthmatters #suicidalawareness #suicideprevention #depressionisreal

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