UNHEALTHY OVERINDULGENCE
Starting to come out of my recent bout of depression I observe myself, and self control is an obvious issue I have always had a challenge with…
It has drained me, it makes my light dim. But solace and peace I learn, will only come when I begin to integrate what i have learned and put into action of how to keep hold of my self control.
I have always been a glutton with things that don’t work in my favor long term. I love to indulge and if it’s good I will take as much as i can until there is no more. Food, alcohol and drugs have been my comforter, my escape, my go-to unconditional, my punishment, my lover, my hater, my reward, my celebration and my torture, and during this last 2 weeks i have witnessed my activity, grabbing for fries, chocolate, indulging in excessive sweets, chips and other crap. I don’t do drugs anymore, but i know if i was it would have been meth rather than food this time round. I did drink a bit, great as a depressant too, but i definitely drank more than I usually do…and you know what??? surprisingly (NOT!!??), I feel like crap!!!
As a fitness instructor, a conscious physical-spiritual healer and a new found healthy person, I see that my body has suffered. In 2 weeks it has changed, and it doesn’t help nearing my 50s, things are tending to stay and hang differently anyway!! But i have also felt my self esteem plummet, I have withdrawn sexually from my partner as i shame the new additional “rolls” i have gained. My mind is critical, abusing me for pigging out when I am “so fat already!!??”. My emotions are wild, because chemically, i feel poisoned, all the crap in my system from all the horrible food i secretly consumed is destroying my feeling of cleanness and health within my wellbeing, mentally, physically AND definitely spiritually.
TRUCE JEMIMA!!!!! ENOUGH!!
So I am fortunate I am aware of my process. I see that self love is crucial, well in this case, lack thereof. I mean if i were my best friend, i would never force them to stuff their face until they were sick, its pure self sabotage.
So these last few days i have tried to get back on track and as soon as i dropped the bag of fruit loops, yes, “STEP AWAY FROM THE FRUIT LOOPS JEMIMA!!??” I instantly felt better…. A gift from the heavens?? No a true reality check as to how damaging my gluttonous behavior has brought me down and helped me stay stuck in my depression. Unlike the chicken and the egg, I do know my depression came first, but dealing with it
passive-aggressively by putting everything in my system that would make me feel even worse, it was inevitable I was going to feel worse and definitely unhealthy.
What I am learning, again, is to be kind to myself when I am down. Remember to take a PAUSE, a BREATH, a MOMENT and regroup. Hold my own hand as if i am madly in love with myself. Yes, it may feel like slow progress, but losing myself in the distraction of masking my feelings with gluttonous overindulgence only hurts me and the people around me.
It takes a commitment to myself and my behaviour to change this pattern of self abuse, self sabotage, but i am so ready to walk away from this. I do not want to replace my addiction to drugs with an addiction to food and other things. I need to commit to continue to work within, to heal the inner wounded warrior, to continue to wake up and live the best life i can to help me the best person i can be.
So i get back on track now, and write honestly in order to surrender to my own demons and maybe, just maybe, help someone else out there who has the same type of issue…
I am a work in progress, but I am sorry for putting my poor body, mind and spirit through this trauma. I am sorry my beautiful and patient lover for pulling away sexually and emotionally. I am sorry clients for not being true to my healthy word…but on we go…
I live and learn everyday, and i hope this time, maybe i will be free from repeating it again…
Keep the faith in yourself my diamonds…
Love and light
#depressionisreal #mentalhealthmatters #mentalawareness #depressionawareness #suicidalawareness #survivalispossible #suicideprevention #addiction #addictionrecovery #foodwhore
